The loss of a loved one is deeply painful, and it can be particularly confusing for children. They may experience a mix of emotions such as sadness, confusion, and fear. As adults, our role is to be a steady presence of comfort, while also working through our own feelings of loss and grief.
Children frequently look to their parents, caregivers, and other grown-ups for cues on how to navigate the world. This is especially true when faced with complex emotions such as grief. By talking about death in a straightforward and age-appropriate way, we reassure them that grieving is a normal and natural response. The words and actions of grown-ups show children that it's okay to feel sad, to cry, and to express their grief in various ways.
Tools and Conversation Starters
1. Speak Simply and Honestly
Discussing death with children is a sensitive task, and being straightforward and empathetic is crucial for their comprehension. Think of it as guiding a friend through an unfamiliar place; you'd want to use the simplest and most direct directions, right? When starting the conversation, you might say something like,
"I want to talk about something that we are all going to have big feelings about. Grandpa won't be with us anymore because he died. When people die, their bodies don't work anymore."
Expressions such as “Grandpa passed away,” “we lost Grandpa,” or “Grandpa went to heaven/sleep” are poetic and commonly used among adults, but they can be quite abstract for children. To make this easier to grasp, draw comparisons to familiar natural occurrences. You could say, "Just like in autumn when leaves fall from trees and don't return, people too have a cycle of life." This helps children connect death to events or patterns they've observed, building a bridge to understanding in a gentle, compassionate way.
2. Share Memories
Discussing a deceased loved one can be a comforting and healing experience for both you and your child. When you share stories and memories, your child is able to remember the happy times, while still understanding it’s okay to miss them. You might say,
"Did I ever tell you about the time Grandpa tried to bake cookies and accidentally used salt instead of sugar? We all laughed so much, our bellies hurt!"
Laughing at this shared memory not only brings smiles to both of you but also gently reassures your child that it's okay to laugh and recall happy moments, even amidst sadness.
Each story, every shared laugh or tear, acts as a gentle reminder that it's completely natura to feel a mix of emotions - from joy to sorrow. Through these sweet conversations, we can help our children understand that love is timeless, and memories can be like a comforting friend.
3. Acknowledge Your Own Grief
As you guide your child through grief, you too are processing the loss. Grief is a personal journey, and although your child may have their own questions, thoughts, and emotions, you too will experience moments of reflection, sorrow, and even joy in memory. Having someone supportive to lean on during these times can be extremely valuable. Whether it's a close friend who listens without judgment, a family member who shares in the grief, our virtual grief circle, or a professional who offers coping strategies and a space to express your feelings, seeking support is both courageous and beneficial to your well-being. When your child inquires about your tears or sadness, you have a wonderful chance to create a bonding moment.
By saying something like "Honey, just like you, I have moments when I miss Grandpa a lot. It's natural to feel this way when someone we love dies," you not only validate their feelings but also encourage emotional openness and sharing.
4. Adapt Conversations to Age
Discussing death requires different methods for various age groups. Younger children perceive the world in a straightforward manner and might not understand death's permanence, so using simple terms like "Grandpa's body stopped working" can be effective. In contrast, older children usually have a more profound understanding of the topic and may grapple with broader questions about existence or the afterlife. For them, being open is essential. Encourage inquiries and watch for non-verbal signals or behavioral changes indicating their internal processing.
No matter the age, the focus should be on fostering a secure environment for communication and recognizing their distinct emotional needs.
5. Reassure Them
Children have vibrant imaginations where they often see themselves as the main characters in their own adventurous tales. Occasionally, these stories can unintentionally lead them to believe they somehow influenced a significant event, such as a loved one's death. It's not uncommon for kids to think their behavior, a wish, or even a passing thought might have caused it. It's not unusual for children to think their actions, a wish, or even a fleeting thought might have caused it. Even if they aren't expressing feelings of responsibility, you can comfort your child. You might gently explain,
"I want you to know that you didn't cause Grandpa's death; it's a natural part of life that happens to everyone at some point."
This can help to ease any unspoken worries that your child might not be sharing.
6. Address Changes
The death of a family member often brings change in daily routines. Prepare your child for these changes by explaining what will be different. You might say, "Aunt Sarah will pick you up from school now," "We will start having dinner a bit earlier,” or “ The nurses that had been coming to our house won’t be coming over any more.”
Communicating these practical changes can help reduce stress during an already difficult time. It's also helpful to mention any positive changes your child might observe, such as, "I've missed some dinners lately while taking care of Grandpa, and I look forward to having dinner together." Acknowledging these positive changes can help your child understand that experiencing both happiness and sadness is natural.
7. Listen Actively
Children are naturally curious and are seeking to understand how the world works. When they're trying to make sense of something as complex as death, they might find comfort in asking the same questions over and over. It's a bit like re-reading a story; each time helps it make a little more sense. If your child continues to ask, "Where did Grandpa go?", it's their way of piecing things together. Welcome their questions with a warm smile, compassion, and reassurance that their inquiries are encouraged. You might say, “I’m so glad you're asking me questions” or
“We can always talk about this.”
Provide a consistent answer. “Grandpa isn’t here anymore because he died. His lifetime was over and his body stopped working.” As they begin to process their emotions and the changes in their world, the frequency of their questions may lessen. Meanwhile, the best support you can offer is your patience and gentle validation.
8. Emotional Validation
Create an environment where your child feels safe and is encouraged to share their emotions. Often, children may not know how to articulate their feelings with words, especially with the profound emotions that come with death. Offer activities that allow them to channel their emotions, such as drawing, creating a memory box, or writing letters to their loved one. Validate their feelings by saying,
"It's completely okay to feel what you're feeling. Everyone, adults or kids, feels sad, angry, or even confused when someone close to them dies. Your feelings are valid, and it's okay to take your time to process them."
9. Protect Them from Overwhelming Emotions
Children, with their natural empathy, can easily sense the emotions of those around them, particularly from their main anchors - their parents or caregivers. It’s a delicate balance. We want to be genuine with them, yet we also need to ensure our strong emotions don’t overwhelm them.
If you're experiencing a particularly emotional day, explain what your child might notice. Children are keenly perceptive. "You might notice Mommy's eyes are a bit watery today. I am sad and really missing Grandpa.” Give them a moment to process or express their thoughts. Then you might say, “Feeling sad is natural, just just like the days when we laugh and play.” Reassure your child by saying, "Mommy is sad, but I’m here with you. I’m healthy, we’re still the same family.” It's completely okay – and healthy – to show your child that adults have their ups and downs too. However, when you do, present your feelings in a way that doesn't create anxiety or a sense of responsibility for them.
10. Memorial Activities
Remembering a loved one, and preserving memories through activities with your child can offer comfort to both of you. Here are some simple activities you can try together. Embrace what feels authentic and manageable for you. Often, simple gestures and words hold the deepest significance.
Create a cozy corner in your living room or your child's bedroom to your loved one. Add photographs, keepsakes, or items that held significance to them. You might say,
“How about we make a special corner for Grandpa? We can put up photos of us together and maybe you’d like to put the model car you and Grandpa made together?”
Gather items like letters, drawings, or other mementos that remind your child of their loved one and place them in a special box. You might say,
“I was thinking that it would be nice to make a special box, like a treasure box, for Grandpa. We can put in special things that remind us of him. Do you want to choose some things to put inside? Then, maybe we can decorate the outside of the box?”
Visit a place that holds significance for you, your child, and your loved one; or even a place that was special to your loved one, such as a park, beach, or even a grocery store if they enjoyed shopping. Going to a meaningful place with your child can open the door to sharing stories or memories about your loved one.
“You know the park that we always went to with Grandpa? Would you like to go there? I was thinking we can go play there this weekend, just like we used to with him.”
“Do you remember how Grandpa would always stop at Wawa and get Reeses peanut butter cups? Let’s stop on the way home today. You can choose whatever you want, you don’t have to get Grandpa’s favorite Reeses. Going to Wawa like he always did could be our special way of remembering Grandpa and giving him our love.”
Incorporating activities establishes a rhythm and practice of remembering your loved one. These comforting rituals can provide you and your child with a tangible way to express and share feelings.
11. Seek Support
Lean on your community, whether that’s family, friends, or grief counseling. There are also many books and resources on grieving specifically designed for children that can be very helpful. Show your child that seeking support from others during difficult times is both normal and helpful. You might say:
“I have a zoom meeting this evening at 7pm, I’m meeting with my grief support group. It’s really nice to hang out and talk with other people who also had a loved one die. Not everyone’s Dad or Grandpa died, and everyone can feel many different ways when they grieve, but it’s comforting to be together with people who have experienced a death too.”
Grief, though a universal experience, is deeply personal. By fostering an environment of openness, patience, and love, we not only help children navigate this journey but also find healing for ourselves. In sharing stories, memories, and feelings, we may strengthen the bonds of love that transcend time and space.